I never thought of myself as a caregiver. I just knew that I had to be there to take care of my mother. She was going through a rough time facing lung cancer, it was rough for the both of us. I am mixed with emotions. My mother and I did not have a good relationship. She was a mean woman who yelled at me as long as I can remember for just about everything. Here I am dropping everything, canceling plans with my friends, spending time with a woman who rarely showed me any love. I'm still not sure that she even loves me. I am taking her to her doctors appointments, helping her to get dressed and undressed, making sure that she has her favorite foods, spending time with her and she is still nasty and mean. She is never satisfied. She is always complaining. She wants a cigarette, I say no and she calls me an evil bitch.
My life is now filled with resentment, I want to walk away. I want to leave her, for her to see what it is like to be alone with no one there to deal with her misery. I resent that my friends try to empathize with her, suggesting that it's because of her illness. No, it is not. If she was a nice person when I was a kid then I would understand that might be the case, but she's such a nasty person before lung cancer.
One night, the phone rang. I noticed that it was my mother calling, I looked at it while it rang. I am trying to decide whether I should answer her call. I am so angry at her for needing me.
The Day That Changed My Life®